7 Ways Parenthood Has Wrecked Me
I say ‘wrecked’, because sometimes it’s okay to be wrecked by something. It simply means you can never go back to the way things were before. I wish I had a dime for every time someone told me, “Becoming a parent will change your life forever!” It’s true though. It is just one of those cliché things that you have to come to terms with on your own. It doesn’t matter how many people tell you, until you live it with eyes wide open, it just sounds cheesy. But—here I am, cheese and all.
- I am a human napkin. Alana is constantly wiping all kinds of mystery items all over me. The other day I was bending down to trim her little toenails and she combed my hair with a fork full of alfredo sauce. She spits out unwanted food and rubs it on my pant leg or strokes my arm with smashed goldfish. Just recently my dog has started wiping her drool filled beard off on me as well. Lovely.
- Showers became optional. Prior to Alana, I would take the longest showers or baths. It was so refreshing to soak under the water, warm up, and leave feeling totally clean. Now, if I am truly honest, I often skip showers. Don’t turn your noses up too fast, I take baths in the evening, and when completely desperate (because my hair looks greasier than a Carl’s Jr. wrapper) I will turn on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and wash my hair in the kitchen sink. That’s right, you heard it—the kitchen sink. Let’s be honest, it’s fast and I can keep one eye on my mischievous little munchkin. Last time I left her alone too long in the living room, I came back to find her totally naked, chewing on an old champagne bottle from the recycling. Never again.
- I’ll do anything to make her laugh! I never put much stock in looking ‘cool’, but if there ever was a season, it is officially GONE. I will do anything to make Alana smile, from awkward dancing to silly voices. It doesn’t matter the time or place. She gets my best improv comedy show.
- What is a Date Night? On the rare occasion that Stu and I do get a night out alone, half the conversation is spent filling each other in on all of Alana’s antics. Then after a few random stories from my day and his, we bust out our phones and exchange the latest pictures of her. WE are THOSE parents. Even when we go to the movies and those adds come on about silencing your phones because it is SO rude to text during the movie…I’m the lady with the little glowing bubble near my face because my babysitter is the best and she texts me pictures of Alana, so I know she is still alive. Yeah, that’s typical date night.
- Traveling feels like a caravan. Both my hubby and I are obsessed with jet-setting, but now that we have Alana…every trip feels like a caravan. So we have one child, but with all of Stu’s camera gear and my shoes, we might as well have 7. It’s out of control and I feel bad for the people behind us in airport security. Thankfully Seatac has a family line—Hallelujah!
- It’s a party in the bathroom. I never get to go to the bathroom alone. Especially now that Alana is potty training. She always wants to be there to clap for me when I go to the bathroom. It’s very affirming and totally invading. It’s really cute when she unrolls the entire toilet paper roll, and I want to cry and scold her at the same time, but all I can think of is, “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as your living…my baby you’ll be!”
- She makes me want to be better. I never in my life wanted to be a better person, than for my daughter. When a treasure—a child is given to you, it’s like holding a piece of the future. The way you used to spend your time, doesn’t matter as much as it used to. The world looks different and you change too. Suddenly, you are being watched ALL the time. Suddenly, prayer means more. Because now you hold a tiny heart, and the way you treat it matters more than anything else.