Can I sit down on this virtual couch and unpack my big feelings to you for a bit?
Yesterday I sat in a hospital room, watching my middle daughter sit – pale, quiet, and listless – with wires surrounding her and things beeping and test results that only a cardiologist can read pumping out of the top of the machine she was attached to. Another one of my babies whose medical issues are raising more questions than answers. To be honest, yesterday was all too real for me. It hit a little too close to the already frayed edges of my heart.
2016, you have been pretty stinking unkind thus far.
We kicked off January with all 5 of us in the depths of a 2-week-long respiratory infection. We then promptly hopped a plane to go visit Grandparents in the sunny South and I ended up in the Emergency Room with an infection in my lymph nodes the day before we were scheduled to fly back home. You can’t make this stuff up, people. I flew home heavily medicated and it took almost 2 weeks for me to get back up and going at partially full steam again.
Fast-forward a week and all 3 of my kids are sick with a bad bug that is going around my oldest daughter’s classroom like wildfire. Then yesterday, my sweet little spitfire got an epic bloody nose that led to a fainting episode that led to vomiting that led to a pediatrician visit where her blood pressure was all over the board that landed us in the hospital for an EKG. Oh yeah…and this morning my husband came home from the school drop off and announced that my daughter’s classroom had an episode of Pink Eye yesterday.
What does it all even MEAN?????
It’s been a whirlwind. And as anyone that has had a season of life like this knows…the crazy and the uncertainty bleeds over into every area of life by the time the sea settles down. Some days I feel I am drifting, with no anchor tying me down or keeping me from total insanity. And other days I feel such a peace. Maybe it is the sleep depravation…but I really think I am starting to learn how to be still in the storm and trust the Lord more.
Yesterday as I was running my daughter to and from the doctor, I dictated some thoughts to Siri and I wanted to share them with you.
It’s in the midst of the mess that we truly meet with our Savior.
In times of turmoil, when things are falling apart and we hit rock bottom that we can fully experience his grace and his love and that we can truly feel the intimacy of his presence stirring our souls to life.
There is nothing about comfort that forces us to make changes in our life; God’s grace abounds in deepest waters not in the shallow streams of our comfort zones.
While we are all working toward wholeness… And constantly undergoing refining from the Lord… The truth is that we will never have complete wholeness, complete peace, or complete anything here in this broken world…that’s the crazy part about this relationship with our sovereign God who is also the great healer. With him in our lives and in our hearts, he is able to demonstrate his amazing ability to heal broken hearts and shattered souls while making them stronger in the process. As the ups and downs of life in this fallen world require our hearts to continually be broken and find healing, we also grow stronger with each and every trial and triumph that we go through.
It’s an amazing paradox that highlights the awesome truth in scripture… In our weakness he is made strong.
I can see both the impending shadow of change and the tidal wave of grace headed my way…I have been nervous about it for a long time but I am starting to accept the fact that I can’t grow without it. I am ready for that growth. I am ready for that grace.
If you are in the middle of your own messy season in life, here are a few blog posts that I have been reading and re-reading lately that are giving my heart hope. It is amazing how genuine words from the heart of a stranger can speak so perfectly to your soul; how solidarity and a shared emotional experience – even across the interwebz – can make whatever you are going through seem just a little less scary, isn’t it?
Try this one by Ane Voskamp if you are in the midst of a medical scare.
Read this one by Lisa-Jo Baker if you are struggling with insecurity.
Read this one by Beth Woolsey if you need a good laugh.
Read this book by Pastor Levi Lusko if you are coping with loss.